Originally written March 2025...
Being a loner. It's something I've experienced my whole life. Never quite feeling like there was space/community that took me in and nurtured me. I always felt like I was ping ponging amongst groups growing up.
There were groups I've grown in, ones where I felt betrayed, ones where it just seemed like no matter how hard I tried no one wanted to seek me out.
Everyone I wanted to talk to I actually had to go and seek them out, it never seemed to be the other way. I never felt sought out just because a person was truly interested in learning more about me.
I've always looked up to other loner women: Joan of Arc, Megan Thee Stallion. Marilyn Monroe, Artemesia Gentilisthi, my holy diamond of lone wolves.
Always misunderstood. Smarter than anyone took for at face value. Always underestimated.
We have our happiest most serene and peaceful moments of our lives spent walking in our own solitude. We take care of ourselves as best we can because we know at the end of the day we are the only ones that will truly be there for ourselves.
Our creativity sets us on fire. We may or may not believe in love, but when we do we dream of the best love stories for ourselves.
We have such a passion for how our mind works and the creation of the collective that comes from them. Feeding into that collective throughout the centuries, even though they may be vast between us.
I have such a bad understanding for if I'm truly thought of when I'im not activly engaging with someone. But am I striving for the wrong things? Just for people to care about me? I'm okay with me knowing myself best not someone else.
I know I need to shift to a not harmful psychologically. How people like me and express that is not up to me so I shouldn't make any assumptions. I am the only person that will be able to 100% believe in myself when it comes to my goals.
I feel like I'm finally truly living for myself. Not for good things that may happen to me in the future. But getting up and claiming that happiness for myself rn no matter the consequences or if I feel like life is going shitty. I am trying my hardest to live a life I'll be proud to eventually leave behind. IDK I think I'll miss being a human.
My worst fear. Dying alone. This fear drives me to partnering up with the wrong people. Making excuses for leaving behind my goals like moving to Europe.
When have I challenge myself like when I built my PC three years ago? When have I put myself out there with learning like that and starting ground zero? I need to do that with music.
I know I can be great. I will be. I want to experience it all, the raw creation of it, the screaming out all the shit that builds up, I want to see how I can expand my voice and range and make different sounds just with my throat.
The joys of you having nothing served to you on a silver fucking platter. So you have to get up and do it all yourself kind of satisfaction.
... am I a loner or do I hold people at a distance? I know I've been guilty on relying others to help maintain my emotional state but I am done with that, I've been made aware and it's time to take it a step down.
I'm my own best friend but I sure as hell don't know how to shut the fuck up and stay mysterious. It feels odd. Cause in one way I feel as if I'm reclaming back the label of being shy and I'm unmasking and on the other hand I feel like when I open my mouth to other I'm speaking under water.
I feel misheard and misunderstood. This must be peak Autism experience I swear. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get married, because I am not sure I could be understood on that deeply of a level of knowing someone. I feel incapable of it or just not really wanting to spend my energy on making it become a completed goal.
I think if it's meant to be, then it will find me. But I always have FOMO feeling like I gotta chase cause no one will do it first. Is that a good thing? But I want to feel wanted.
I think the saddest thing about dying is all the things you left behind suddenly don't have any importance to anyone else, okay maybe some things have shared memories and thus importance, or economic worth, but what about the rock I was given on that walk? Who is there to remember that and preserve the rock? I'd wanna be burried with my favorite things.
I need to live for myself. Not others. Not their opinions. Not to give in to society trying to tear me down. But for my inner child, inner teen, my early 20's, future me, and most importantly current me. The one who is trying her hardest despite life being so weird and different yet familiar.
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