Thoughts Around Crafting a New Life

Originally written in October 2024...

I'm sick of the putting things off, especially when one used to enjoy them. It has been years since I've written a blog post. I did it many times as a teenager. I am familiar with my way around Wordpress and Blogger, and researching the pro's and con's between the two. 

I have been having many deep thoughts as of late and I think it has caused where I am where I am. I've been thinking deeply about age and how I'm here now, realizing the change with people and media I used to enjoy seven, eight, hell even four years ago. The passage of time changes everything and sometimes I just want to grip and make it freeze, but then if you freeze time how do you then measure the moment you make it freeze?

I think about the things I am so grateful for. My mind is one of the most amazing things, and well, everyone probably thinks of that. Since I've done my rebirthing ritual it's like the pieces in my life are clicking into place and everything is adding up.

Through the trial of finding myself newly single, I am going through fire and coming out cleansed. The depth of craving for nostalgia runs deep. The needing to return to my own roots of who I was before this two year relationship. The gut feeling that I am meant to live a creative awakened life. And the knowing that life is going to ease up.

I've been through hell the past fourteen years and soon I am going to be able to take a deep breath. The amount of growth I've had in those years is astounding. I do not recognize where my mindset was at even six years ago. I recognize the innocent girl I see in pictures but my heart breaks for where her mind was at.

And now, that I've been rebirthed, I'm not going anywhere. I am going to speak my truth. I am going to film my Youtube videos, I'm going to self talk to myself out loud at work, I'm going to release my books for free on my website, I'm going deep with craftivism, I'm chasing my goals with absolute abandon. I am romanticizing my 8-5 and my life in general while I deal with the realities of living alone with chronic illness and neurodivergency in an world that has so much stress.

I am done being a victim to life. I'm taking my power back and alchemizing my pain into something absolutely breathtakingly beautiful and it's this: I'm crafting my life how I want it.

No truer words have been spoken when Qi Ghan said "Your focus determines your reality." Now of course this doesn't mean ignoring systemic blocks that need to be tackled. But continuing to live your life despite the absolute ravages life can put us through.

I have been through the ringer and I'm don't letting it take me willing. I will cry and mourn when I need to, but it is not forever. In fact it isn't and shouldn't be long.

Just the idea of crafting my life gives me such a sense of grateful fondness that fills my heart full. Like eating a warm apple pie with a cold serving of french Vanilla ice cream and you're all cozy near a crackling fire. 

I live a life of intense physical pain. Now of course there's the emotional, but that is easier to manage than the physical pain. I've been told by doctors my conditions make it as much as the top three most painful conditions in the world and honestly, I'm so used to the pain that I'm scared if this partial numbness went away.

My brain is fried from handling all the signals that go to my brain around the clock. Then there's the neurodiversity that tackles my brain again and again. 

My brain is done being a victim.

It's time to say fuck Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and fuck society for the constraints they put on neurodivergency and make it seem like a curse. It is not a curse, society is for the way it is constructed. 

Fuck the trauma from how I was raised. Fuck the trauma of navigating the world how I am. Fuck the rejections and the hate. Fuck my goals waiting.

This is my time to pursue...myself.

When thinking of my life as a whole and crafting and of course with my newly single status: I'm thinking I'll plan to stay single the rest of my life, it'll be my focus and priority to remain in this status. I've found since my breakup, I really enjoy it. I love being single. Yes there are hills I'm mourning but I am overcoming those bitches good.

I will not roll inside myself because I am hurt because of how vulnerable and raw I was. No, instead I'll still hang with my guts out and won't apologize for it. I'm done saying sorry for things that do not need apologies for. The way I talk. For people taking my beliefs or words the wrong way when I meant how I meant them. For how society has told me how I need to communicate and I don't listen. For my pain.

I'm done owing smiles through the pain. The way it was branded into me by my own blood to pretend. I'm breaking those chains now. I'm done censoring myself with my likes. Done being embaressed for my interests.

I'm done holding the heavy exhausting mask that is masking. 

A Love Letter to Being a Loner

Originally written March 2025...

Being a loner. It's something I've experienced my whole life. Never quite feeling like there was space/community that took me in and nurtured me. I always felt like I was ping ponging amongst groups growing up. 

There were groups I've grown in, ones where I felt betrayed, ones where it just seemed like no matter how hard I tried no one wanted to seek me out. 

Everyone I wanted to talk to I actually had to go and seek them out, it never seemed to be the other way. I never felt sought out just because a person was truly interested in learning more about me.

I've always looked up to other loner women: Joan of Arc, Megan Thee Stallion. Marilyn Monroe, Artemesia Gentilisthi, my holy diamond of lone wolves.

Always misunderstood. Smarter than anyone took for at face value. Always underestimated. 

We have our happiest most serene and peaceful moments of our lives spent walking in our own solitude. We  take care of ourselves as best we can because we know at the end of the day we are the only ones that will truly be there for ourselves.

Our creativity sets us on fire. We may or may not believe in love, but when we do we dream of the best love stories for ourselves. 

We have such a passion for how our mind works and the creation of the collective that comes from them. Feeding into that collective throughout the centuries, even though they may be vast between us.

I have such a bad understanding for if I'm truly thought of when I'im not activly engaging with someone. But am I striving for the wrong things? Just for people to care about me? I'm okay with me knowing myself best not someone else. 

I know I need to shift to a not harmful psychologically. How people like me and express that is not up to me so I shouldn't make any assumptions. I am the only person that will be able to 100% believe in myself when it comes to my goals.

I feel like I'm finally truly living for myself. Not for good things that may happen to me in the future. But getting up and claiming that happiness for myself rn no matter the consequences or if I feel like life is going shitty. I am trying my hardest to live a life I'll be proud to eventually leave behind. IDK I think I'll miss being a human.

My worst fear. Dying alone. This fear drives me to partnering up with the wrong people. Making excuses for leaving behind my goals like moving to Europe.

When have I challenge myself like when I built my PC three years ago? When have I put myself out there with learning like that and starting ground zero? I need to do that with music.

I know I can be great. I will be. I want to experience it all, the raw creation of it, the screaming out all the shit that builds up, I want to see how I can expand my voice and range and make different sounds just with my throat. 

The joys of you having nothing served to you on a silver fucking platter. So you have to get up and do it all yourself kind of satisfaction. 

... am I a loner or do I hold people at a distance? I know I've been guilty on relying others to help maintain my emotional state but I am done with that, I've been made aware and it's time to take it a step down. 

I'm my own best friend but I sure as hell don't know how to shut the fuck up and stay mysterious. It feels odd. Cause in one way I feel as if I'm reclaming back the label of being shy and I'm unmasking and on the other hand I feel like when I open my mouth to other I'm speaking under water. 

I feel misheard and misunderstood. This must be peak Autism experience I swear. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get married, because I am not sure I could be understood on that deeply of a level of knowing someone. I feel incapable of it or just not really wanting to spend my energy on making it become a completed goal.

I think if it's meant to be, then it will find me. But I always have FOMO feeling like I gotta chase cause no one will do it first. Is that a good thing? But I want to feel wanted.

I think the saddest thing about dying is all the things you left behind suddenly don't have any importance to anyone else, okay maybe some things have shared memories and thus importance, or economic worth, but what about the rock I was given on that walk? Who is there to remember that and preserve the rock? I'd wanna be burried with my favorite things.

I need to live for myself. Not others. Not their opinions. Not to give in to society trying to tear me down. But for my inner child, inner teen, my early 20's, future me, and most importantly current me. The one who is trying her hardest despite life being so weird and different yet familiar.